This is another post I wrote for Testify several months ago. I find myself right back in this state of mind today, so I thought it would be a good time to repost it. Sometimes I wonder if this is a lesson I’ll have to learn over and over again for the rest of my life, or if I’ll ever really get it and learn to live like I believe it.
I’m just going to be totally honest with you. Right now it’s 11pm and I’ve been sitting in front of this computer for 2 hours trying to come up with something to write. I have a lot on my mind these days. Many people I love are struggling with big things right now, and whether it’s finances, grief, or illnesses, there is really nothing I can do to make it better. My mind just swirls with all of the problems, all of the worst case scenarios, and the desperation of wanting to help with things that are totally beyond my control.
And then there’s the everyday…stuff. What I need to write about, the work I need to get done, the lunches I need to pack, the homework I need to help with, and the baseball game we need to get to on time.
There’s never a quiet moment in my head anymore. It’s just a never-ending stream of noise. I put on a good show, I keep a smile on my face, but I can’t possibly handle it all on my own, and more and more I find myself feeling hopeless.
As I sat here procrastinating on this post this evening, I was glancing through the pictures from my day at the zoo this week with my 6yo and his class. It was a great day and we took a lot of silly pictures, but as I clicked through them, this one really grabbed me.
I know it’s just a monkey sitting on a hill, but he looks exactly how I feel. Everyone expects the monkey to be having fun, putting on a show and making the people laugh. And while his buddies are doing just that all around him, he just sits in silence, looking as though he’s deep in thought, and refusing to play the part anymore.
As silly as it sounds, it brought tears to my eyes when I realized that monkey had my answer. Part of me envied him being able to just sit quietly and be alone, with nothing expected of him. His silence looked so peaceful.
So I started reading, searching for scriptures about silence, rest, and peace. And the very first one that jumped out at me was Psalm 62:5, “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.”
I realize now that the constant noise in my head is because I’m trying to solve everyone’s problems on my own, and getting angry when the solutions don’t come fast enough or on my terms. The outcome of that can only be the hopelessness that I have felt so often this past year. I desperately need to learn to wait quietly before God, because my hope can only be found in him.
My prayer for all of us this week is that, no matter our circumstances, we will find our rest and our hope in Him.