Sitting at my desk today, I was sort of assessing where I am at the moment. I’m literally living one of my dreams. This is the job I’ve wanted since the day I decided on technical writing as a major. This is the job I dreamed about when I was in High School Yearbook, realizing how much I love this whole writing and publishing world. This is it. It really doesn’t get any better than this.
But I’m not happy.
I’m not happy, because it’s temporary. I’m not able to enjoy today because I’m so focused on when this will end. And I have no idea when that will be. It could be next week, it could be next month, I simply have no clue. I should just be living in the moment, and soaking it all in while I can. But the uncertainty is killing me.
The whole thought process brought me to the realization that I’ve done this with my whole life. I didn’t enjoy school because I worried, from the day I watched my sister graduate from High School and I myself graduated from Kindergarten, about what I needed to do to get a valedictorian trophy like she did. No, that’s not an exaggeration. I asked my mom about it that very day, and made it my sole purpose in life for the next 12 years. I missed a lot of fun in school because I was at home with my nose in a book while my friends were out…(and they were still doing just fine in school).
The day I brought my first child home, I cried. Tears of joy, right? Wrong. No, I cried because he was going to grow up. Valid worry? No. Absolutely 100% how my brain works? Yes.
It affects all aspects of life. Be it not enjoying a job because you’re wondering when the contract ends, not savoring every moment of your children’s lives because you’re worried about them growing up, or not fully allowing yourself to engage in a relationship and just relish in being loved at the moment because you’re so terrified it will end in heartbreak. Maybe those things will come to fruition. Everything eventually comes to an end, after all. But what is life if you miss the joy of being in the moment? It’s only an endless string of new worries each day, and that’s not living at all.